Knowing what you want is half the way there (part 1 of 2)

Written by on August 12, 2014 in Attract Your Reality - 14 Comments

Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to turn you in the right direction (not literally of course, but figuratively speaking).

Some months ago, a relationship that was kind of sort of becoming more intense came to an abrupt end after we took a brief holiday together. Up to then, we’d been “dating”: going out maybe once or twice a week and spending the occasional weekends together when I didn’t have my kids. At that point, we were both feeling that we wanted more time with each other. The chemistry was good and the conversation and time we did spend together nice, light, and fun. There were maybe slight hints of upcoming incompatibilities (he wanted to live outside of London in his little town, while I prefer Central London; he wanted to have kids, while I already had mine and wasn’t sure I wanted more; he wasn’t nearly as driven or ambitious as I was or would have liked my partner to be…) but those hints were still pretty slight and not obvious enough for me to take too much notice. It was the beginning, after all, and we were still just getting to know one another and in the “excited” phase.

It was the holiday together, that period of seeing each other for a few days in a row, however, that drew bright light onto all of the cracks in our pretty superficial exterior. There’s definitely something to be said for extended time in each other’s company as a way of pushing all plausible issues between two people out onto the surface. Don’t ever take that holiday away lightly or without considering what it means. It’s the perfect test of compatibility between two people. Needless to say, our complete incompatibility became clear very quickly and it was just a matter of time before one of us pointed it out bringing the brief relationship to a rapid close.

There are different ways to handle the ending of a relationship, however good it seems at the time: we can feel bad about its’ demise and go into ‘poor me’ mode, or we can learn from it. It’s pretty obvious from my many blogs about all of the lessons of life that I normally opt for the latter.

In this case I was lucky as it was pretty apparent that I was ill matched with this man I’d been dating and the relationship had been only several months, not several years. But even still, it had been yet another example of where I was with someone who was not right for me. There had been a few examples in a row of this happening and I could definitely easily have began to feel rather unlucky in the men that I found (or who found me). If I’d wanted to, I could certainly have begun to lament my ill fate looking backwards to my failed marriage and all of my unsuccessful relationships in the past. Instead, I took this new failure as a lesson in where I had gone wrong. I had allowed the relationship to move forwards due to chemistry, for example, despite certain apprehensions and doubts about this man really being what I was looking for. And possibly because I didn’t really feel that he measured up, I may have inadvertently made him feel inadequate. I kept thinking that I was the better catch and that he was lucky to have me, when in fact all of that was a matter of opinion. While I was looking for someone who could match my level of drive and my desire for improvement as well as my social network, he was just looking for someone who could bring him a peaceful and comfortable life: a nice girl. While I hoped to one day purchase a giant flat in the centre of Central London, he was content with his little house in the little town that he’d worked up to be able to purchase some years ago. He wasn’t looking for much more, but I was. So we were clearly mismatched. There was no point to grieve this ending then as, really, we were fortunate that it came as soon as it did and that we hadn’t spent years together in unhappiness as many people do (as he had with his previous wife, for instance, who also had wanted more from him).

Knowing what you want is half the way there so I began to consider what I wanted.

 

Stay tuned for next month’s entry detailing what I learned and how I put it to use to understand what I wanted and what I was really looking for.

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